Unstable self-esteem. Why is it the foundation of life?

The process of "learning" continues throughout life, but self-beliefs can often (though not always) develop earlier in our lives. This means that our experiences from childhood, our family, the society in which we lived, the school we went to with our peers, all this influenced our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves and the world as a whole.

A person with unstable self-esteem constantly changes his attitude to himself, to his life, to his environment, to his achievements, depending on the events of the outside world. Even small problems and conflicts can cause serious experiences, internal suffering and feelings of "all is lost"

"I'm stupid

"I'm not good enough"

"I'm not good enough"

"I'm not good enough"

"I'm worthless"
"I'm unattractive"
"I'm fat and ugly"
"I'm unwanted"
"I'm not worthy of love"

punishment, neglect, emotional neglect, abuse;

extremely high requirements/standards of parents that are difficult/impossible to follow, conditional acceptance, lack of positive experience;

rejection at home and at school;

specific characteristics of a person (physical features, diseases), stressful situations and diseases in relatives, social position of the family.

Most often, the roots of low self-esteem are in experiences from childhood or adolescence. However, people with healthy self-esteem can have their confidence shaken if they encounter negative experiences later in life. People may develop low self-esteem if they have had experiences such as bullying or intimidation at work, if they are in an abusive relationship, have long-term financial difficulties, experience long-term stressful life situations, traumatic events or life-changing illnesses, or disabling injuries.

In the process of forming deep beliefs about oneself, basic needs go side by side with experience. In order to satisfy basic psychological needs, proper conditions must be created, first of all on the part of parents, and then on the part of society. The main basic needs include:

1. The need for safety, care and connection (this need is realized both at the level of satisfaction of the physiological and emotional components).

2. The need for recognition of dignity, value. The satisfaction of this need is directly related to the formation of a positive/healthy self-esteem.

3. The need for permission for authenticity and help in mastering the "inner space".

4. The need to support the development of self-control, self-discipline, and a healthy conscience.

5. The need for support and guidance in the development of independence, competence and in mastering the "external space".

If our needs were satisfied, then we develop useful SPs, and if not, then - not useful, dysfunctional SPs. Therefore, the satisfaction of basic needs in childhood is the foundation for "building" a healthy self-esteem of a person.

For example, a wife becomes very worried if her husband has not responded to a message within several hours. And she begins not just to worry, but begins to think that something is wrong with her - from not being beautiful enough to not being interesting enough.

Men with unstable self-esteem often change their attitude towards themselves, their achievements and their life, if, for example, a former groupmate appears in the environment, who has a better car, a better business or a more beautiful wife.

A person with unstable self-esteem constantly rides on psychological roller coasters. Someone criticized - self-esteem went into the negative. They praised it - it turned into a plus. At work and in personal life, there is a lot of stress and anxiety, which negatively affects health - emotional and physical.

The formation of self-esteem occurs during self-knowledge. The attitude towards one's own "I" is not created immediately, but gradually: step by step, each individual acquires a habitual view of himself, approving or disapproving of certain manifestations, actions, thoughts, relationships, results, etc. The value and importance of one's personality grows into a stable conviction.

Low level is characterized by:

constant self-criticism;
dissatisfaction with one's own behavior, actions, and life;
both to any criticism;
indecisiveness;
fear of mistakes;
dependence on someone else's opinion;
striving to please everyone;
inability to say "no";
a constant feeling of guilt, which later becomes neurotic;
pessimism;
envy of the achievements and successes of other people;
prone to rumors and gossip.

Sources of self-esteem, which are directly formed by it, are:

Self-image . It is created by comparing the components of the individual's "I" - real and ideal (a comparison between what a person is now in his perception and what he would like to become in order to change for the better).
Mathematically, this is determined by the difference between a person's aspirations and real results and achievements. The greater this gap, the lower the level of self-esteem in a person, and vice versa.
The transition of external evaluations of an individual (from the side of the social environment) into an internal evaluation of oneself - interiorization. It is characteristic of every individual to push back in his assessment of himself from how, in his perception, he is assessed by other people.
Evaluation of the success of own results . Here, self-esteem manifests itself in a person's consciousness through the level of achievements and their evaluation: the individual is satisfied/dissatisfied with what has been achieved, the quality of the results - this is the measure of the value of the score displayed in the positive-negative rating scale.
Comparison with significant surrounding . The reference point of the assessment is set by authoritative and important people for the individual. Such assessments of others may be subjective, but they are the basis for creating ideals and standards that a person should strive for.

The formation of self-esteem in men in childhood is influenced by a combination of various factors: parenting, relationships with friends, success at school, and appearance. Even if there are problems in one of these areas, the boys immediately realize themselves in something else.

A vivid example: a prodigy with a frail physique fails in physical education classes, but at the same time wins prizes in math Olympiads. Or a two-year-old who is not given science, goes into sports and achieves results there.

In adulthood, a man's self-esteem depends mainly on career growth, income and social status.

A woman's self-esteem is most often formed under the influence of her father. If he raised her as a princess (within reason), there are usually no problems in adulthood. If he did not manage to find an approach to his daughter or was completely absent, the mother's upbringing becomes the determining factor, and in adolescence, first the influence of girlfriends, and then the attention of boys.

In adulthood, women's self-esteem largely depends on appearance and recognition from men. Even iron ladies occupying leadership positions feel like a fragile girl inside who is waiting for protection and compliments from the weaker sex.

Despite the fact that the foundation of self-esteem is laid in childhood, its development occurs throughout life, as it depends on external factors: career and social adaptation, first of all. As an example, we can cite stars who have achieved world fame, who were humiliated by their peers or parents in childhood. Julia Roberts, for example, hated herself for her big mouth, and Sylvester Stallone for his facial paralysis. Now they are successful, loved by everyone and satisfied with themselves.

Make it a habit to notice your successes and achievements. Consider the positive side of yourself and your good qualities;. Follow your wants and needs. Allow to do what you like and interesting;. Don't accept everything others say; decide whose opinion and authority is really important to you.

Remember that your feelings of worthlessness and worthlessness do not say anything about who you really are. It is the sum of all your experiences that happened to you, forming an unhealthy self-image. Remember, low self-esteem can be corrected, but it requires regular work on yourself, which can become especially effective in cooperation with a specialist. To get rid of this harmful attitude and find self-love, try to consult a psychologist. So you will be able to find a sense of self-worth again and regain a positive self-esteem. Fill out a short questionnaire on our website, and we will quickly select an effective psychologist for this request.