After many unsuccessful attempts to prevent the conflict, people have the idea that it was possible to avoid the conflict. These same words that appear after it. And you know, it's yes and no at the same time.
In general, it is impossible to avoid conflicts, because they depend not only on your expectations, but on circumstances, the environment and other people over whom we have no influence.
That is, there are still people who perceive the world from the prism of their distortion, according to their values, also beliefs and not understanding their own and other people's boundaries. In other words, they can do it not consciously and not specifically, and sincerely believe in their rightness and good intentions.
З сином після продуктивного дня
First, aggression is possible only at the moment when the opponent expects that it will be safe for him
Secondly, the solution can only be in the construction of personal boundaries in an assertive style
And Thirdly. Guilt and fear are inevitable companions of this process, which cannot be avoided, but their impact can be reduced.
Personal boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in a relationship. Expectations in a relationship help you stay psychologically and emotionally healthy. Understanding when to refuse and when to agree is a cornerstone of feeling comfortable in communicating with other people.
There are five ways to report an acceptable limit:
Passive: ignore limit violation.
Passive-aggressive: expressed dissatisfaction without clearly communicating his own needs.
Aggressive: rigid, inflexible and intrusive demands to satisfy your needs.
Manipulative: attempts to force the interlocutor to meet your needs.
Assertive: clearly and firmly stating what you need.
Expressing your needs is the first step. People cannot accurately determine your personal boundaries based solely on your body language or unspoken expectations. When you clearly state what you expect, there is little opportunity for your interlocutor to misunderstand what exactly would suit you. Assertive statements are the most effective way.
Developing one's ability to be assertive is to communicate the limits of what is acceptable without resorting to passivity, manipulation, aggression, and passive-aggressive behavior. If you want to establish healthy personal boundaries, you should do it assertively.
Assertiveness is the ability to express one's feelings openly without attacking the interlocutor. It does not involve intrusiveness. However, this is a way to make yourself heard.
A few examples of assertiveness:
- You say no if you don't want to do something
- You tell people how their actions make you feel
- You honestly share your thoughts about your experience
- You react immediately, without delay
- Instead of talking about the problem with an outsider, you discuss it with the very person who caused the problem
- You clearly and in advance indicate what you expect, and do not proceed from the fact that the person will guess about it himself
But the most important thing is that it's okay to talk about your desires. It is useful to state your needs. And you can stand up for yourself without being impolite.
Guilt is not an obstacle to establishing personal boundaries. It's a feeling. And like all feelings, guilt will arise — and subside. Try not to take this feeling of guilt as something very bad. Instead, accept it as part of a complex process—just one element of a new experience, not the whole experience.
Fear keeps us from doing what we need to do and we become victims. But look closely - everyone knows how to behave when necessary, everyone has fear. That is, they are actually able to respect the restrictions if they want to.
Our thinking goes through several stages. From the situation to the result. To train assertive thinking, a diary will be useful (we have developed a free electronic version and paper versions: glider and marathon), where we will consider an example of the step analysis technique, with the help of which we can analyze any situation into its components and realize what other solutions could be. This technique will help train assertive decisions and realize that fears and anxiety are your illusion.
Situation: At work, the manager detained me after work
Automatic thoughts: I have to be a good worker and stay late, even though I might be late for my wife's birthday
Emotional reaction: I was upset and offended, but I didn't say anything. (Passive action)
Conscious thought: If I am diligent, I will be appreciated by management
My action: I stayed for a while, although it would have been better to do it the next morning.
Result: I upset my wife with my tardiness. She said it was important to her
Perfect assertive thought: To say that we have time for questions in the morning, and today is the birthday of my wife, who is waiting for me
Emotional reaction: I would feel guilty that I did not live up to the manager's expectations
How my thinking goes: I don't have to neglect my needs for the sake of looking better
To do: Told the manager about the need and agreed on the morning
What would be the consequences: We would have spent a wonderful evening without insults with my wife, and I would have come earlier in the morning and would have managed to do everything in time
Of course, this situation that has already arisen cannot be changed, but in the future you will be able to train your automatic decisions to be assertive. The changes are gradual, so your diary will come in handy ).
З дружиною
Avoid having to explain to people the reasons for your boundary of what is acceptable: who, what, when, where, and how. Of course, you can answer one or two questions, but be specific and concise. Remember: the interlocutor may be trying to figure out how to push you away from your boundaries. Try to stick to the original message as much as possible.
Common reasons people don't respect your boundaries:
- you don't respect your own boundaries with them
- you sound hesitant
- you have not outlined your need or expectation
- the limit of what is acceptable is constantly changing: one moment you are serious, the next you are not
- you assume that people will correct their behavior even if you don't tell them what you need or want
- you think that it is enough to outline the limit of what is acceptable once
- you apologize for having personal boundaries
- you warn about the consequences of the violation, but then they do not come true
If you want people to respect your personal boundaries, you must first respect those boundaries yourself
Simple tips for breaking boundaries
Tip Nº 1. Speak up immediately.
If you remain silent, people get the impression that their words or actions are perfectly normal to you. Your words don't need to be carefully thought out in advance or perfect. Just say something like, "I don't like it." It is better to say something than to remain silent.
Tip Nº 2. Define your boundaries with others.
Mention them in passing when it comes naturally, for example, "I don't like it when people drop by without calling first."
Tip Nº 3. If someone violates the boundary of what is acceptable that you have already outlined, tell this person how you feel about this violation. Then state your expectations again.
Tip Nº 4. Don't ignore the violation of your boundaries - even if it happened only once.
People think they are entitled to your time, but your time is yours and you decide how to spend it. Taking care of your emotional state is your responsibility.
At MriyaRan, we have one simple rule - don't let people violate your boundaries without consequences - even if it's just once. This one time will quickly turn into two, three, four and there are no exceptions.