How to get out of the Karpman triangle

Karpman's triangle is a concept that describes the dynamic in interactions between people, where they can take on one of three roles: "victim", "rescuer" and "persecutor". This concept was developed by Eric Berne's situational analysis and further expanded by Steven Karpman.

In addition, the Karpman triangle can unfold in the head of one person in the form of an internal conflict. In playing the Karpman triangle there are imperceptible and unconscious tasks. Among them: Satisfy your children's needs indirectly through someone else's hands. Create a symbiotic relationship. Each role of the triangle has its own characteristics.

A person who feels helpless, hurt, or oppressed by a situation. She may seek support and protection from others.

The victim avoids responsibility for his life. Constantly in search of those who will guess and satisfy his needs. She is often offended, looks for culprits and often feels guilty herself. Immersed in a state of learned helplessness, has a negative pessimistic focus of perception. Likes to play the "Yes, but" game with his rescuers: "Yes, it's a good idea, but I don't have the strength right now"; "Yes, I will monitor my expenses more carefully, but now I have stress and stores calm me down"... The victim is always not satisfied with something, so this role is easily and quickly transformed into the Aggressor.

A person who can express criticism, accusation or punishment. This can be reflected as external pressure or self-perception as a strength.

The aggressor has a burning need for power. Control, orders, humiliation, insults are the aggressor's favorite weapons. He hunts the victim and "breeds" it to fear. For the Aggressor, fear is not only a method of pressure and manipulation, but also a chance to find and "attach" a Victim dependent on him.

A person who feels the need to help others, but may do so unreasonably or too intensely. The savior feels important by helping. The rescuer's resources are limited

The savior, in turn, seeks recognition and power. According to the logic of this role, it is "easiest" to get what you want by saving someone who is weaker, stupider, poorer. Moreover, as a rule, the rescuer does this without being asked, simply "because he knows better".

In this role, the most important thing is to find a constant source of fuel for your ego through obsessive help. Rescuers provide services without any contract, without clear terms of mutual exchange, without framework. Therefore, they almost always face "ingratitude", "use" of themselves. This throws them into despair and turns into the role of Victim. Or from the futility of efforts, they go berserk, turning into Aggressors. A rescuer feels excitement and joy when someone has problems and has an opportunity to prove himself.

Karpman's triangle creates an emotional background based on guilt, resentment, aggression and, most often, impotence from endless repetitions.

One of the hallmarks of the Karpman triangle is unconstructive dialogue and conflict that repeats like a run-of-the-mill record.

These roles interact with each other, and it is important to understand that a person can switch from one role to another depending on the situation. Getting stuck in this triangle can lead to conflicts and problems in communication. Managing these roles can help improve relationships and foster constructive interactions.

There is a chemistry test at school. One of the students easily and quickly copes with all tasks, as a result of which she has a lot of free time. As a result, the girl decides to help her classmates and begins to fulfill their tasks (acting as a Rescuer). This situation happens several times.

When the teacher notices this, he gives the student a more difficult task that takes much more time to solve. However, classmates, as before, continue to ask her for help. Of course, the girl refuses them and even resents their audacity (at this point she becomes the Pursuer). However, in the image of the Pursuer, she does not last long. Already at the next break, the schoolgirl hears a lot of insults and even insults directed at her by her classmates. Thus, the student quickly becomes a victim.

Усі ролі трикутника може виконувати одна людина. Однак у багатьох є "улюблена роль", закріплена з дитячого віку;

All members of the triangle try to satisfy their children's needs with other people's hands. And not directly, but indirectly. This leads to the fact that the real need remains unsatisfied. Games inside the triangle legitimize negative emotions, but solve tasks. Therefore, in the end, in the inner reality of the triangle, all its participants are victims of their own illusions;

In transactional analysis, it is believed that the personality consists of three ego states: Child, Adult, Father. Each ego state has its own functionality, each ego state is associated with different parts of the brain. So, the Karpman triangle is lost only in the Child ego state. This is precisely what explains irrational behavior that is persistently repeated, high emotional tension, and difficulties with self-control. At the time of participation in Karpman's triangle, age regression is observed, thinking resembles a child's, with a set of options characteristic of a five- to seven-year-old child.

STEP 1. It is important to slow down at first, focus on the moment "here and now" and activate the triggers of the adult ego- status:

Ask yourself the question: "What is happening to me now?"
Concentrate on your breathing.
Ask yourself the questions: "Why am I playing this?", "What do I really want now?", "What does this conflict give me?", "What can I do now?"

STEP 2. If you have managed to activate the adult ego state, say out loud (if possible in your case):

"Noticing that our dialogue is going in circles, we are too excited to solve this problem right now. Let's cool down and come back to this topic later."

STEP 3. Immediately after this, shift the focus of attention to yourself. It is easiest to do this through the body, focus on the feet or on the inhalation of air in the nostrils.

STEP 4. In step 2, you got an internal answer to the question of why you need it, what you really want. Now think about how you can meet your child's needs in a healthier way than conflict behavior.

STEP 5. If you usually play the role of Rescuer, save yourself from wasting energy and time. Stop helping without being asked.

It is important for the victim to stop playing "yes, but" and take responsibility for his results, understanding that the results do not come immediately, but only in the process of improving new skills.
It is important for the aggressor to accept his vulnerability and fear of loneliness, to master healthy constructive communication.

In addition, you can ask yourself questions that focus attention on a mature position and healthy relationships:

Still understand what I really want?
What prevents me from meeting my needs on my own?
What prevents me from asking my partner directly for help in meeting my needs?
How can I meet these needs?
Why do I need my partner to resent/feel guilty/angry at me?

STEP 6. Now that you fully understand what is going on, you need to set hard boundaries with your opponent.

STEP 7. To completely get out of the dramatic triangle, it is necessary to transfer communication with the interlocutor to the "adult - adult" format.

A relationship without the Karpman triangle becomes close and warm. They come to life and develop. It is in such a cozy space that true love is born.