"Silence leads a relationship to a dead end"
Jolie Warren, Family Therapist
Recently, a friend and I were discussing our ex-husbands. And they understood: the fact that we were used to openly talking about our feelings from childhood led us to divorce. Our partners, on the contrary, were brought up in the tradition of suppressing emotions, which, as many families still believe, is unbecoming of men. It is not surprising that men evaluated our behavior as extreme intemperance and a threat to their perceived inner comfort.
Consequences of suppression of feelings
However, people who are used to keeping their problems silent gain only a temporary illusion of a peaceful life. And even for it they have to pay a considerable price.
- Lack of reflection and the habit of being aware of and analyzing feelings turn life into a mindless movement on autopilot.
- Ignoring one's own emotions, which appears to be a manifestation of inner strength, leads to an accumulation of problems.
- The inability to show compassion to someone who feels bitter feelings, is in a depressed state and needs support, makes you lose loved ones and friends.
Constant suppression of feelings affects relationships. If one of the partners tries to initiate the conversation, and the other avoids the conversation and responds to all the difficulties that arise with silence in the hope that they will resolve themselves, this leads the union to a dead end.
I know this from my own experience: for years I tried without success to do everything to tell my husband about something that was seriously bothering me. In the end, I managed to convince him to seek help from a family therapist, but our session did not last more than fifteen minutes. He was unable to cope with the painful emotions that this conversation inevitably promised.
Situations when it is not necessary to share experiences
Of course, being able to express your feelings is key to a healthy relationship. However, there are times when trying to immediately share your feelings with your partner is only harmful.
- Using a loved one to vent negative emotions. Chronic complaining and constant attention only to the painful aspects of life and your relationship will cause rejection.
- Criticism of everything the partner does. This suggests that you do not accept this person and are unable to put up with the main features of his character. And if you yourself are not ready for compromises, is it worth trying to build a relationship in the future?
- Insults and raising your voice. Any issues that you feel need to be addressed are important to discuss with respect and tolerance for opinions that may differ from your own.
"The key figure in this process is you and your decision to change"
Natalia Artsybasheva, Gestalt therapist
For those who are not used to talking about feelings
If you were taught from childhood to restrain and hide your feelings, you should contact a psychologist who will teach you how to correctly notice and interpret them. However, the key figure in this process is you and your decision to change. If you are used to relying on your rational part, then let it help you.
- Ask yourself more often: what am I feeling now? Anger, indignation, irritation? At the same time, it is important to listen to the body, exactly how emotions are manifested in it. You feel relaxed or, on the contrary, your palms are sweating and your teeth are clenched - associate these states with certain feelings. Such focus helps to be better aware of oneself. Since you are not yet used to discussing emotions with others, keep a journal to help you reflect on them.
- Having decided to discuss your feelings with someone, you should feel safe with this person, be sure that he will not react sharply. And of course, you can interrupt the conversation at any moment. You can warn the interlocutor about this in advance so that it does not turn out to be a surprise.
For their partners
- Invite your partner to play "guess the feelings" - to guess each other's or other people's emotions and discuss what signs you used to determine them.
- Use a reward: you told me about your feelings, I react to it correctly, your life becomes more comfortable. Such reinforcement inspires to continue.
- Show delicacy and patience. It is psychologically very difficult for a partner, so it is better to discuss something in a calm state. Emotional security is important to him for self-disclosure.