But, for some reason, we are not taught how to skillfully manage our own emotions.
Moreover, they are often taught to ignore, underestimate and live "on the contrary".
"don't worry about trifles", "how many more of these will there be in your life?", "enough to cry, you're already big", "calm down as much as you can", "men don't cry", "it's not worth much", " everything will be fine."
Familiar phrases, right?
And double messages are added to them.
This is when the mother quarreled with the father, trying to protect her child from upset, answers his question about her condition: "Everything is fine, nothing happened."
But he sees that everything is not good! He sees it by the confusion on the face, the blank look or the reddened eyes from tears, he sees it by the gestures, by the nervous or, on the contrary, absent-minded movements, by the increased shallow breathing. Children understand non-verbal signals very well!
What lesson is he learning at this moment?
Perhaps he will think that he should not trust himself because of what he sees and feels.
He may also conclude that for some reason it is impossible to express his true emotions.
And such contradictions, coming from different senses, increase anxiety and uncertainty about one's own safety. This, accumulating, leads to neuroses.
As a result, we have adults who are unable not only to express their emotions, but also to recognize them. And they are also afraid of revealing other people's emotions, because they do not have the skills to interact with them.
What empathy and mutual understanding can be discussed here!
What can an adult do to better interact with their own emotions?
write out all the words and phrases of the "inner critic" relating to the emotional sphere. All "boys don't cry" and "you're already big" can be written here. To what extent is this still relevant for you? try to monitor the impact of these phrases at the moment; introduce practice: 3 times a day answer the question "what emotion do I feel now?" Name and record the emotion. "How does this emotion manifest itself?" We describe the signs, including bodily reactions.
In general, bodily reactions are a great indicator of our emotions. We often forget about the body until something hurts in it. But it works and never gets tired of telling us: compression of the temples, increased heartbeat, tightness in the shoulders, goosebumps, pressure in the chest, or vice versa, extreme lightness - all this indicates the presence of some strong emotion. Therefore, it is important to remember the body and not miss its tips!
Track, name and give space for emotions - these are the main steps in mastering the emotional sphere.
How can you help children?
name what is happening with the child: "you are tired", "you are angry", "you are upset", etc. do not count on quick results. I often hear from mothers: "I name and pronounce his emotions, but it does not help." It should not "help" now! You invest with a view to the future. Sometimes a child will say "I'm in a bad mood because I'm tired." This will be your victory. But you have to be prepared for the fact that it won't happen soon. Give the child the opportunity to fully experience each of his states, create a safe space for such an experience.
Remember that until school age (at least), a child feels only one emotion at a time. "I get angry, but I still love" will come much later. When a child is captured by an emotion, it captures him completely. tell the baby, of course, in the language available to him, about what you feel yourself. It is desirable to accompany the story with an explanation of the reasons and words that this condition is normal and temporary.
It is worth mentioning that despite the fact that the mother is upset, her love for the baby has not gone anywhere. To teach, but not to increase anxiety!
Let's practice a careful and attentive attitude towards ourselves and our children!